Yeah, I’m a Christian. And yeah, I’m an ex-cutter. See, the last thing I want to communicate here is that this is an ok addiction, something not all that serious. If anyone knows that this is serious, it is me. But, I would like to offer some insight into the causes and manifestations of the addiction of cutting from the perspective of a Christian cutter.
I believe that cutting is a horrible addiction – self mutilation, I mean, that’s not ok. So the question is – how did I get there? Why did it become an addiction? And why is it still a temptation that is very much there? I am Christian – I never lost my basic faith in God throughout my entire struggle, I believe. What I lost sight of was some of the specific aspects of that faith.
So, how can a Christian be involved in harmful activities? What is the attraction, and addiction of cutting? And what breakdown of belief is the root cause?
First off, I am of the belief that one can be a Christian, and can still become involved with stupid things. This walk with God does not take away our humanity, it does not remove our struggle. We are constantly forced to come face to face with our essential brokenness. God will not prevent us from making bad choices, nor do I think one has to make some one huge decision to reject God and faith in Him completely to make smaller, very destructive decisions.
Secondly, I don’t think that cutting itself is the sin here. I think that it is a symptom of a deeper sin, a deeper deception. The thing itself is just an activity, and very few activities are intrinsically right or wrong. The sin I succumbed to that led to my addiction was that of unbelief. I struggled, and still struggle with control of my life. It is difficult to really, fully believe that not only is God able to handle my life, He is also good! He has my best interest in mind, really and truly. I was not trusting God, I was taking control into my own hands in a terrible way.
What is cutting? Why is it addicting?
Well I think it comes in many different forms and for many different reasons for different people. It ranges from minor destructive behavior to slitting one’s wrists in a suicide attempt. Basically, the addiction is to inflicting pain on oneself, and causing blood flow. I think the causes range as broadly as the manifestations do. I believe that it can be caused by past abuse, or any number of more violent reasons. However, for me, this was not the cause. For me, it was a simple matter of control.
It was a solution to my problem. A false solution, yes, but one that presented itself nonetheless.
The problem I faced was a deepening confusion and ensuing depression. Trying to figure out what God’s will was in my life while maintaining essential control myself, trying to convince myself that all was well when it most certainly was not, trying to fake my way through things, resulted finally in a debilitating confusion and depression. By the end, I could not even think without completely losing it, because one thought brought on another and another, and it was all just too much. My brain was shutting down, I was going numb, not caring about anything and not being able to think about anything. I needed a way to block it all out, an escape, a way to gain control, and I needed desperately to feel something, anything.
Enter, cutting. It masquerades as the perfect solution, and although from the outside it might not make any sense, it seems to make perfect sense from the other side.
It does block it all out. You have to concentrate, causing the right amount of pain. You can focus on this one thing. It produces an immediate tangible result, which you can escape into. The world goes away and life becomes this. Blood is red. It’s easy to pay attention to. Pain demands attention as well. It easily takes over your brain and the world fades away, offering relief from the confusion for just a little while. There is nothing confusing about this, cut it and it bleeds. Simple.
It offers a power rush. There is something very powerful about controlling your own body. It’s the same rush that causes bulimia and anorexia, I think. The ability to directly control your physical self in a tangible way offers a rush.
Finally, you feel something. The pain is a sharp one, and it assures you that you are still alive and able to feel. And it’s not really an unpleasant sensation like you might think. Cutting chemically produces dopamine, an adrenaline rush, it actually chemically causes a high.
So, while I know full well that there are many different causes and manifestations of the action of cutting, for me it was the attraction of escape from the confusing world, something to concentrate on, a power rush, something to feel, and a chemical high.
All those things are still very attractive, and now that I have participated in cutting the past there is not the normal mental block that would be there for someone who has never done it. So, I still struggle with the temptation quite a lot. For me, this is a belief issue.
Do I believe that God offers peace? He says “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” He also says that Satan is the author of confusion. If I believe this, then rest from the confusion and depression of life is found truly and deeply in Christ.
Do I believe that He is Lord of my life? Have I given Him control? Because as long as I have given Him complete control, the power rush is not needed. My power can be found in Christ, He should be the source of my strength and power.
Do I believe that He is Good? Do I believe that all true Joy is found in Him? If I truly believe this, then I will not go looking for joy somewhere else, because I will know it is counterfeit.
This is a struggle that I face day by day, minute by minute, and it is a struggle of belief.
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